Nonviolent Communication - Jiaqi's Leadership Blog

Why Marshall Started to Think Differently#

The book starts with author’s childhood, a summer of 1943 at Detroit. A severe race-war was going on at that time:

Under that terrible circumstance, the author was humiliated by 2 white boys in school. After that experience Marshall (the author) started thinking about 2 questions

What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively?
What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?

If I were treated horribly, I would almost have never had that though process. So what’s unique about Marshall that triggered his life-long research? I did some research by looking for Marshall’s biography. I also noticed that Marshall was also a Jews, according to the book:

Quote
“I had never heard the word before and didn’t know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews.”

Knowing that Jews people had some hard time surviving themselves in the course of our history, I thought a deep longing for peace might be the biggest desire in the bottom of each Jewish people.

So I settled down to his relation to Judaism and found this part of a wikipedia article on “Judaism and peace” shall be the answer to the question above:

Judaism and peace from Wikipedia
Rejection of violence#
Judaism’s religious texts overwhelmingly endorse compassion and peace, and the Hebrew Bible contains the well-known commandment to “love thy neighbor as thyself”.
In fact, the love of peace and the pursuit of peace is one of the key principles in Jewish law. While Jewish tradition permits waging war and killing in certain cases, however, the requirement is that one always seek a just peace before waging war.
According to the 1947 Columbus Platform of Reform Judaism, “Judaism, from the days of the prophets, has proclaimed to mankind the ideal of universal peace, striving for spiritual and physical disarmament of all nations. Judaism rejects violence and relies upon moral education, love and sympathy.”
Judaism opposes violence#
The philosophy of nonviolence has roots in Judaism, going back to the Jerusalem Talmud of the middle third century. While absolute nonviolence is not a requirement of Judaism, the religion so sharply restricts the use of violence, that nonviolence often becomes the only way to fulfilling a life of truth, justice and peace, which Judaism considers to be the three tools for the preservation of the world.
Jewish law (past and present) does not permit any use of violence unless it is in self-defense. Any person that even raises his hand in order to hit another person is called “evil.”
Avoidance of violence#
The ancient orders (like those) of wars for Israel to eradicate idol worshiping does not apply today. Jews are not taught to glorify violence. The rabbis of the Talmud saw war as an avoidable evil. They taught: “The sword comes to the world because of delay of justice and through perversion of justice.”
Jews have always hated war and “Shalom” expresses the hope for peace, in Judaism war is evil, but at times a necessary one, yet, Judaism teaches that one has to go to great length to avoid it.

At this moment, I realized that it was the tradition of this unique philosophy that brewed Marshall’s tendency to, combined with his unique experience at Detroit in 1943, think in a way that led his passion for seeking compassionate and healthy relationship among people.

The reading of this book shall incorporate an important principle in mind - it’s not just about learning technical communication skills, it’s more about appreciating the Jewish culture, a history that seeks, embrace, and promote peace for the world.

Connect to Compassionate Nature#

The language, according to Marshall, plays the key role to help people stay connected to their compassionate nature. This is a language technique called NVC (nonviolent communication). 4 Components of NVC are

Observation - The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being
Feeling - How we feel in relation to what we are observing
Needs - The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings
Request - The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.

Example that includes the 4 components: “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common. Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

Communication That Blocks Compassion#

Moralistic Judgements (≠ Value Judgments, like peace & freedom)#

Use of moralistic judgements that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. For example:

The problem with you is that you are selfish
She’s lazy
They are prejudiced
It’s inappropriate
Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, diagnoses

Classifying and judging people promote violence

Making Comparisons#

If people have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to otherpeople

Denial Of Responsibility#

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to:

Vague, impersonal forces - “I cleaned my room because I had to.”
Our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history - “I drink because I am an alcoholic.”
The actions of others - “I hit my child because he ran into the street.”
The dictates of authority - “I lied to the client because the boss told me to.”
Group pressure - “I started smoking because all my friends did.”
Institutional policies, rules, and regulations - “I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.”
Gender roles, social roles, or age roles - “I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.”
Uncontrollable impulses - “I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.”

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.

Observing without Evaluating#

When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings#

Expressing our feelings are very important. Feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word “feel” is followed by:

words such as “that”, “like”, as if:
- “I feel that you should know better.”
- “I feel like a failure.”
- “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.”
the pronouns “I”, “you”, “he”, “she”, “they”, “it”:
- “I feel I am constantly on call.”
- “I feel it is useless.”
names or nouns referring to people:
- “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.”
- “I feel my boss is being manipulative.

In addition, we should

distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings

Taking Responsibilities for Our Feelings#

When we receive negative messages, we should

sense our own feelings and needs
sense other’s feelings and needs

If we don’t value our needs, others may not either. Connect your feeling with your need using I feel … because I … The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to response compassionately to our needs. Someone on the other side might not say that explicitly, instead they express their needs through judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations. Judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. There are some pre-defined and basic human needs that we can pick up as we interpret other’s needs:

Autonomy
- to choose one’s dreams, goals, and values
- to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, and values
Celebration
- to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
- to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
Integrity
- authenticity
- creativity
- meaning
Interdependence
- acceptance
- appreciation
- closeness
- community
- consideration
- contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
- emotional safety
- empathy
- honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
- love
- reassurance
- respect
- support
- trust
- understanding
- warmth
Play
- fun
- laughter
Spiritual Communion
- beauty
- harmony
- inspiration
- order
- peace
Physical Nurturance
- air
- food
- movement, exercise
- protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
- rest
- sexual expression
- shelter
- touch
- water

Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life#

Use positive language when making requests. When requests are worded in the negative, people’s reaction is “when I am told not to do it, I feel I won’t follow that.” People are often confused as to what is actually being requested, and furthermore, negative requests are likely to provoke resistance.

Use more often something like “We’d like you to …”. Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing and to word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake. The clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

Asking for a Reflection#

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. On some occasions, a simple question like “Is that clear” will suffice. Express appreciation when your listener tires to meet your request for a reflection. For example: “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d liked, so let me try again”

After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know

what the listener is feeling - “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do”
what the listener is thinking - “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be success, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success”
whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action - “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week”

Requests v.s. Demands#

Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.

Receiving Empathically#

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand.

In reality, however, instead of empathy, we tend to have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires focusing full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice.

Non-empathically behaviors:

Advising
One-upping - “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me”
Educating
Consoling - “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could”
Story-telling - “That reminds me of the time…”
Shutting down - “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad”
Sympathizing - “Oh, you poor thing…”
Interrogating - “When did this begin?”
Explaining
Correcting

When we are thinking about people’s words, listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people - we are not with them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.

Listening For Feelings And Needs#

No matter what others say, we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs

Sustaining Empathy#

Allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief

Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves#

Avoid “shoulding” yourself. We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.

Example
“Finally I realized that I was choosing to write the reports solely because I wanted the income they provided. As soon as I recognized this, I never wrote another clinical report. I can’t tell you how joyful I feel just thinking of how many clinical reports I haven’t written since that moment 35 years ago!”

Expressing Anger Fully#

Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody, rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met. People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.

Self-thought at the End (Not Part of the Book)#

Thrive to seek peace between people is what a Jewish-tradition-thoughted people like Marshall most valued. NVC techniques is one thing; what’s more important is, from this book, valuing the value of peace from our heart. Once we achieve that, we ourselves shall automatically and proactively seek and practice our own NVC ourselves. This makes me interested in Jewish culture from now on :)